


i want to love you (but somethings in the way)

by 002kids



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst sorry, Funeral, Implied Death, M/M, Roadtrip, also sorry if its kinda boring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 20:04:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17856080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/002kids/pseuds/002kids
Summary: “For Hyuck.”“Yeah, for Hyuck.”





	i want to love you (but somethings in the way)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is my baby ive been writing it for like a month and i just want to welcome the world into nohyucksung nation. 
> 
> also (<<) signifies a flashback and (>>) signifies that its back to the present!!
> 
> title from postpartum by taylor mcferrin (such a pretty song)

Donghyuck was like super glue. He was always what kept the three of them together, not that Jeno and Jisung couldn’t function on their own (though this has become a common theory between their friendship group).  
It was just that neither of the other boys were particularly fond of PDA or any form of affection in general, to an outsider eye one would never be able to guess that they had been dating for the past 3 years. Donghyuck, however, was never quiet about his love towards his boyfriends, he showered them with unwanted (read: secretly craved) affection every chance he could get and was the type to tell strangers on the street that he was dating the “bestest boys ever”.

It’s not like Jeno and Jisung fell apart when they heard the news, it’s not like Donghyuck was what made them love each other. They just needed a break. Because somehow seeing each other just made them think of Donghyuck, and then all walls crumbled down. Jeno and Jisung loved each other. But Jeno and Jisung needed time to get used to loving each other without being able to love Donghyuck.

There was a comfortable silence, soft pink lighting and space heater radiating its dark red heat as Jeno hung up the phone. His voice was low and quiet as he approached his boyfriend, explaining that the funeral would not take place in their city.  
When Donghyuck left just over a month ago now everyone expected him to return home. Nobody expected blood and hospitals and flashing lights. Nobody expected for the boy to die with doctors and strangers but no one else. But life has its ways of being unpredictable and throwing us around in so many directions we don’t know which way is up.

“It’s a pretty long drive, i think five hours max. We can leave the day before and book a cheap hotel nearby so we can get to the service as early as possible in the morning.” Jisung could hear the older holding back tears, he felt the same way. Their treasure, their sunlight, their energy, lying in a casket awaiting random family members he had never even met before to come by and pay meaningless condolences.

“Okay. That sounds like a good idea.” Jeno heard the subtle strain and cracking in the youngers voice, proving him to be at his limit, so close to the edge of the cliff that the softest breeze would make him fall. In an instant Jeno was sat by his side, rubbing circles into the back of his hand, relieving him of the typhoon tearing up his mind. In that night tears were illuminated by soft pink lighting and Jisungs fingers found themselves tangled up within his boyfriends, an attempt at making the pain go away.

<<

“Hey idiots come on, the films about to start.”  
Donghyuck had a hand in each of his own as he dragged two tall, black haired boys into their local cinema. He demanded a date night so a date night is what he got, no one could say no to him after all. 

“We’re only gonna miss the adverts Hyuckie it’s not that deep.” Jeno sighed and looked at Jisung as if he’d just told Donghyuck he was breaking up with him.  
“Excuse me mister! What do you mean only the adverts! It’s a well known fact that laughing and making fun of shitty adverts is the best part of going to the cinema!” Donghyuck shook Jisungs shoulders as if to wake him from a nightmare. “Okay okay I get it! Adverts are the best and I’m the worst for doubting you.” Jisung collapsed himself so he could walk behind Donghyuck with his arms draped over the elders shoulders. 

>>

The sky was blood red and grey, dark clouds floated like warm woolen blankets blocking out all view of the sun.  
“Red sky at morning is shepherd's warning…”  
Jisung’s voice sounded hoarse, as if he had spent the entirety of the previous night trying to cry away all memories of Lee Donghyuck. Jeno placed his hand round the back of Jisung’s neck, a small action that showed the latter how he wished all his sadness to dissipate.  
“We’re gonna leave around four or five later, if the sky’s still red then at least it’s the shepherd’s delight.”  
The tone in his voice sounded uneasy, not sure of how his words would affect the younger boy.

“I doubt it.”

“He wouldn’t want you thinking like that and you know it.”  
Jisung’s head dropped onto Jeno’s shoulder, his neck strained, tendons becoming scarily clear as he attempted to stop the tears from falling again.

Time passed painfully slow that day. As fast as the minute hand moved, the hour hand didn’t seem to budge. Tick, tick, tick, minutes felt like hours and hours felt like months.

<<

Donghyuck’s eyes fluttered shut as his head dropped back onto the eldests knee.  
“I’m bored, there’s nothing to do here, I thought we were going on a cute romantic getaway?”  
Soon after, the youngests head had also been dropped onto Jeno’s lap as he sighed and proceeded to whine and complain about how Jeno had put the wrong destination into google maps and now they were stuck in the middle of nowhere.  
“Hey stop getting mad at me, at least it’s pretty here.”

Using the word pretty to describe where they were would be an insult to their location. Soft water ran over rocks smooth and jagged while soft breeze rattled the leaves on the trees as if it were a child blowing bubbles. This was is it. This became their spot.

Once a month without a doubt the boys would find their way back to the riverside to picnic and laugh and enjoy the peace. 

>>

Five o’clock came around slowly but surely. By the time the hands had twisted to the boys liking soft rain has started tapping peacefully at the window panes.  
“It’s gonna be pretty late once we get there, but I’m gonna guess you forgot how dark it’s been getting in the evenings this time of year.”  
Jeno sighed and let his arms drape themselves around the youngers waist. “Please stop worrying I’m capable of driving in the dark.”  
Jisung tucked his face into the crook of the others neck, inhaling sharply. 

“Jen…” a hesitant pause. “What if.. What if I didn’t want to go?”

“Blossom.. It’s okay to be scared, I am too. But you can’t hide any longer, everyone’s worried about you… It’ll be good for us.. To move on.”

Jeno felt the taller boy detach himself from his neck and push him away gently. 

“I don’t… I don’t want to move on. Don’t say that.”

But that’s not what he meant. Neither of them wanted to move on. Not yet. 

<<

“Baaaabbbyyyy!” 

“Sunshine, please, my poor ears.” Jeno complained but only proceeded to pull the younger closer to him, arms around the younders head, pushing him into his chest. 

“I’m not that loud JenJen, I just want both my boys…” Donghyuck went on to complain about how he had been ‘deprived’ from seeing the youngest all week. 

He had been focused on his dance training and his studies and tutoring all at once, keeping him busy 24/7, unable to enjoy the usual warmth of his boyfriends. This wasn’t an unusual occurrence, Jisung often found himself distancing himself away from the boys and stressing over other things. It wasn’t his fault, his family just had other priorities.

“We’ll see him this weekend and we can go back to our place, sunshine. I’ll drive and you can paint and Sung can study, it’ll be perfect.”

And it was.

>>

Jeno’s car was small. Cold leather seats sent shivers up his spine and the gentle groan of the engine did anything but calm him down. Jisung sat next to him, silent. No one, not even Jeno... Not even Donghyuck, could read him. His eyes looked tired and tinted crimson, his hair looked dishevelled and matted. But his hands were shaking, sore redness glowing from his knuckles and the faint remains of blood dried around his cuticles.

Jeno couldn’t speak, he knew this was Jisung’s default coping mechanism. No matter how many times Donghyuck would shout at him and tell him “walls don’t bounce back, Jisung!” he would keep punching until there was no more feeling in his knuckles. He kept going until he achieved the numbness he thought he deserved.

The drive started in comfortable silence, but this soon turned sour. Neither of the boys knew how quickly silence could turn to thoughts of their missing third but this proved it to be around fifteen minutes. 

Soft music bled through the speakers, one song that grounded the boys and silenced their thoughts. 

If I could get you the moon I’d give it to you. 

If death was coming to you, I’d give my life for you.

<<

Soft fingertips brushed against blushing cheeks and dragged their way through sensitive scalp. It was this this feeling that was Donghyuck’s euphoria, just him, Jisung and Jeno. 

“Happy birthday, baby”

Jisung’s voice was low against the skin on Donghyuck’s shoulder where he lay his head. Jeno found himself spread across both of their laps as the muted audio of mulan played in the background. 

“Happy birthday, sunshine. We love you.”

Donghyuck nestled his head between the two boys, an act of affection they were not strangers to, but something that they could never tire of. 

“I’d do anything for you two. I love you so fucking much.”

>>

Jisung bit his nails and Jeno dug his into the steering wheel. Both equally unhealthy habits. Jeno thought back to the days when he and Donghyuck would have to bandage up Jisung’s arms and hold him back when he tried to stress scratch. Jisung thought back to the days when he and Donghyuck would have to hold Jeno down from his fits of anger. 

“Hey, stop biting your nails.”

Jisung paused, dropping his hand to let it fall into his lap. 

“If you get stressed about the funeral you’ll scratch and if your nails are all bitten up when you scratch you’ll bleed. And I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Jisung let out a breathy laugh, but a real laugh. The first real laugh in a very long time. 

“You sound like Donghyuck, like I’m pretty sure he said those exact words to me once.”

“Well it was for good reason probably, if you hurt yourself we’re the ones that have to fix you up, you little gremlin.”

Jeno rested his free hand upon Jisung’s and looked over to him briefly, admiring the strong smile that he had not seen since the day Donghyuck’s news get round to them.

Jisung’s smile faltered for a second or two. “Jen I’m scared.”

The older knew what to do, he pulled over where he could so he could turn and face the boy to ask him what was wrong. 

Maybe it was that Jisung was scared to face his boyfriend’s family again, since the last time he had seen them was before he and Donghyuck were even together, when they were in the midst of kicking Donghyuck out of their house for being gay. 

Or maybe it was that the funeral was arranged to be open casket and Jisung was too afraid to see him again. 

“Ignore whatever’s going on in your mind, blossom. We need to be there for him. This is his last chance to shine and we can’t be cowards.

For Hyuck.”

“Yeah, for Hyuck.”

 

The sky was imperial violet when Jeno restarted the engine and it was not long before that faded into prussian blue. Dusty clouds painted the evening sky along with gentle birds flying south. 

Only a view so picturesque could contrast so strongly with melancholy thoughts running through the two boys minds. 

 

Their hotel room smelt of mold and stale coffee. The broken air conditioner rattled against the stained beige walls. Jisung lay down on the bed and pulled his body into itself. Jeno pulled on the light string in the bathroom before locking the door behind him. 

He felt he could only let himself break behind locked doors. Jeno had to stay strong for Jisung. For hyuck. 

So Jeno wiped away his tears and waited until the crimson faded before unlocking the door and falling asleep with the younger boy in his arms. 

Jeno dreamt of cotton and daisies. He dreamt of Donghyuck’s hands on his forehead and the feeling of tender breath on his skin. He dreamt of Donghyuck’s soothing voice telling him that he had to move on. He heard the voice tell him that the faster he moved on, the less pain he would feel. 

Jisung dreamt of fire and ice. He heard shouting and screaming and sirens. He clutched the cold leather of a steering wheel under his fingertips and felt the sharp turn of the worn-down car tyres underneath him. He dreamt not of Donghyuck’s voice, but of Donghyuck’s screams. He heard him ask for one thing in his last breath. Let me go. 

<<

“I’m only going to be gone for a couple weeks! You’ll live, you stupid teddy bear.”

Donghyuck hooked his arms around Jisung’s neck and pressed a kiss below his jaw. Jeno joined, holding them both in his arms. Oh, how he wished he could never let go. 

“I’ll miss you, sunshine. We both will.”

“Bring back presents or you’re not welcome back.” Jisung accompanied his comment with a nose scrunch while sticking his tongue out. 

“I will, I will don’t worry, stupid. Alright I really have to go now, I love you!”

>>

The air was cold and the fog was thick as they got out of the car the next morning. Heavy breathing mingled with the palimpsest of unsaid words that clouded the two boys minds. 

Jeno let his hand fall down to hold onto Jisung’s as they walked towards the casket together.


End file.
